Omerta

as tradition demands
its time for the annual
long
winding
christmas
end of the year post

ive fallen into the predicament i believe
haha
funny huh
for the first time so far i find myself in limbo
actually
i think ive been slipping into it ever since JGs
bah
debate debate debate
my greatest blessing and curse
such fury
such passion
such intensity
all consuming perhaps
too consuming
but its no excuse really
its still my fault at the end of the day

my house is an incredible bug magnet
hah
maybe that way i'll finally get used to them
so far its mostly flying ants
a few bees thrown in for good measure
some beetles

ive been blessed enough to experience
emotion close to true joy
more than once in my 15 years
jgs
lsy
and of course
a myriad of other incidents
there was one back in jan 04
haha
how ill fated that turned out to be
if i recall correctly
i drowned myself in that ever present drug
after that incident
true fulfilment and peace
perhaps will come at the end of my tenure here
on earth

so its christmas night again
another christmas spent alone
such is the fate of the single child eh
such is my fate

ive been reading alot of
ancient novels lately
of knights
samurai
of Greek heroes and legends
of Roman soldiers and legions
war
and the art of which
is an appealingly romantic concept

what shall i speak on this late/early night/morning
i miss dubai
i miss that night out on the soft soft sands
the food
the music
but most of all the night sky
the stars
the light breeze
i miss hawaii
that beautiful afternoon
bright
gleaming blue skies
sparkling waters
and me just basking in the sunlight
i miss Lockerbie
the peace
serenity
the grasses and flowers
what beautiful places

its funny how i have nothing to say to you
when i remember a time when i once had so much
what happened?
even as i look back
i cant really say i know
i can say however
that
it
was such
a
pity.

i wonder whether he can sustain it
hah
perhaps this christmas i am jealous of your intimacy
it is something..
foreign to me now
mine is a quiet detachment
aloof not out of choice
but out of..
habit?
instinct

and
at the end of all things
naught remains
that will satisfy this
overly demanding soul
i should be content with my lot i suppose
but when are we ever eh
i seek things i cannot have
not because i need
but because
i wish for them for the sake of it
i need it not
i need none of it
and thats why i predict my future
in such a manner
self fulfilling?
perhaps
but i think it is my path nonetheless
existence outside of the world
would i miss it very badly?
perhaps not
maybe only for a short while

a fickle nature is mine
i get used to things too easily
hardly anything is constant anyway

blasted eoy camp
could be spending my last week of freedom much better

i care not
i care not
or so i tell myself
more thought
is required on this matter

thats why i love the star wars galaxy you know
or indiana jones for that matter
they're magical
or why i like books like the count of monte cristo
or that immortal tale of the musketeers
or of allan quartermain
they bring you to another world
where there are no bounds!
no limits
only a path set out for you
by wonderful artists
such as Tolkien
C.S Lewis
Arthur Conan Doyle
and so on so forth

now that darn music is looping itself so many times

well
at the end of it all
at least i have that drug to take
to immerse myself in
like the darkness
to release and surrender
and i wonder
will i come out of it
all the worse for wear?
what happens then
what happens then
to who to what will i turn to
there is only ONE true way
and it is to Him i must look
thats why
we
celebrate
Christmas.



merry christmas everyone

posted by S @ Monday, December 26, 2005